How to Attend a Wedding as a New Couple Without Embarrassing Yourselves

It’s June, so by now we’ve all been to at least two weddings and we have four more to go. Next up, the one where you’re not even sure why you’re in his wedding party—you were kind of close during that art class in college when he sculpted a bong, but groomsman close? You panic-invited your new partner and now you’re driving to Bumblefuck, Vermont together to watch a person you haven’t seen in years start a journey of eternal bliss with someone you’ve never met.

Point is, weddings are weird. But you, new couple, don’t have to be. Here’s what you need to know to survive.

1. Don’t bring a plus one when you weren’t given one.

Before you even go, and this might seem obvious, but if you were not given a plus one, do not bring one. If the envelope is addressed to only you and does not say “and guest,” don’t you dare bring your partner. Even if you’ve been together 10 years. Nope. If you really don’t want to go alone, and you’re thinking of calling your buddy because it must be an oversight: nope. Don’t make it weird. Just politely decline.

2. Don’t overthink what your partner says at the wedding.

Almost everyone who goes to a wedding eventually says something about “If I had a wedding…” or “I would never do that at my wedding…” Everyone. This doesn’t mean your partner is gunning for marriage. Well, maybe they are—you should learn how to effectively communicate with your partner about a timeline for that and definitely not rely on passive-aggressive hints at someone else’s wedding! For most people, you can feel free to dismiss any would-be wedding planning that happens on that day as getting in on the fun. It’s like when you go to a rich part of town and say, “I wouldn’t want a circular drive like that out front.” It’s not because you want that house, it’s simply imagination. Just go with the flow.

Now, if your partner leans in during the vows and says, “if you don’t propose within two months, I’m out,” you can take them at their word and talk about it. After this wedding.

3. Don’t use this as an opportunity to introduce your partner to family for the first time.

Admittedly, this is sometimes unavoidable. Sometimes the best time for your significant other to meet your parents is at your cousin’s third wedding because you both live in a big city and when else are you going to travel back to South Carolina where your entire extended family lives? Life happens. But if you can avoid this, do. Especially if your partner is meeting your parents on a day when one of your siblings is getting married. Everyone’s stress is at a nine (10 if Hurricane Barry makes landfall). Don’t add to that. If you must do this, preparation is key. Remind your partner not to bring up homeopathy around your step mom, and to never ask your Uncle Ernesto about politics.

4. Don’t get too drunk.

This isn’t just a couples thing, but no one wants to see a couple get blasted—and then, inevitably, handsy—at a wedding. Alcohol helps with a lot of things, but it also heightens your threshold for PDA. Drunk people think sticking hands down their partner’s pants is invisible, which it is not. Do not be the drunk, frisky couple!

5. Don’t fight.

This also probably has something to do with being drunk, but regardless of what you imbibe, absolutely do not have a fight at someone else’s wedding. Yes, you can help it. If you’re a couple who fights a lot (you know who you are) please, for the love of god make a little pact at the beginning of the night to save it. Make a code word! When she says “frankincense” you know that she’s upset and maybe you guys should go take a walk away from eternal love party. Seriously, do not argue at all at someone else’s wedding. If you and your partner can’t do that for seven hours, you have some real problems and you should almost for sure be in couples counseling.

6. Don’t propose.

I read a recent Twitter story about a bride and groom who saved for years to have their dream wedding, and then the best man proposed to his fiancée without giving the newlyweds a heads up. He made the whole night about him. It’s like the wedding that Trump crashed. Now the wedding narrative isn’t Tom and Shonda finally got married, but did you see what happened at Tom and Shonda’s wedding?

I’m not even sure how it would occur to someone to propose at someone else’s wedding, but apparently it’s fairly common. A lot of people do get permission from the bride and groom beforehand, but guess what! It’s still weird and wrong. Are you going to get married in the hospital where your friend is giving birth, too? Make your own day.

7. Definitely don’t flirt with other people or cheat.

I’m not saying that you can’t go out on the dancefloor and have a little fun, but we all know the line between dancefloor fun and “wow, Greg’s girlfriend is really grinding hard on Uncle Walter.” It doesn’t take much to notice when someone is flirting with someone they didn’t arrive with. It’s very obvious. Aside from the fact that it’s a pretty cruel thing to do to your partner in general, it’s a pretty gross stain on a day about fidelity and commitment and love. Don’t cheat in general, but if you must, save it for when you meet a girl at Dunkin Donuts and you hook up with her in the bathroom and the only thing you’ve ruined is your years-long relationship and not someone else’s $35,000, once-but-statistically-twice-in-a-lifetime party.