How to train yourself to be more patient

Think about a married couple having a fight, Schnitker says. The patient response is staying calm, listening to one another, and talking out the problem and a solution that works for both sides. The impatient response can either be getting angry, yelling, or maybe taking an action recklessly without thinking it out. But impatience might also show up as the partners ignoring one another or disengaging from the relationship, she says. “And that’s just as problematic.”

Impatience doesn’t seem to be productive in any scenario

Neither type of “impatience” is necessarily productive, Schnitker and Comer say. There are situations in life where it’s not good to be overly patient (in a checked out, spiritless way), Comer adds — like in the face of extreme injustice. “In those cases being overly passive is not a great way to be.”

And being on the anger, frustration, anxiety and inability-to-control-your-actions end of the spectrum can have deleterious effects, too.

Research dating back to the 80s has connected impatience with irritability and higher risk of heart problems. More recent research has linked impatience with the inability to handle stressors and practice self-control. And a 2016 study published in the “Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America” found that impatient behavior was actually linked to people having shorter telomeres, a part of our DNA that influences how our cells age, suggesting that being more impatient might therefore speed up the aging process in our bodies (as opposed to how our cells would otherwise age if we act more patiently).

Schnitker’s research has linked impatience with loneliness, higher incidence of depressive symptoms and negative emotions, she says.

Other work from Schnitker’s group has linked patience with positive things, like life satisfaction, self-esteem, having self-control and even being better able to pursue and accomplish goals.

“When you’re patient, you’re calmer, so you’re able to keep persisting when it’s difficult and you’re not prey to goal disengagement,” she says. “You’re able to know when to act and when to conserve energy.”

You can get better at being patient. Here’s how

The bottom line, Comer says, is if you recognize that you’re more irritable, reactive and irascible than you’d like to be, you can change to become better at responding patiently. “But you have to want to change,” she says.

And you’re going to need to practice, Schnitker adds.

What’s important to remember is that life is full of myriad variables and obstacles, and there’s no way anyone can avoid any situation that might potentially trigger impatience, Schnitker says. “But you can control your response.”

Here are the three steps Schnitker suggests taking to work on your own patience:

1. Identify when you’re impatient and what emotion you’re feeling

Recognize that you’re starting to feel activated and identify what emotion is at the heart of that response, causing you to get heated. Are you angry that you can’t get home faster? Are you sad or feeling rejected that potential date didn’t work out? Are you anxious that you’re not going to make it to your appointment on time?

2. Reframe how you think about the situation

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. (My coworker isn’t purposely trying to miss his deadlines; he has a lot on his plate.) Remember, whatever’s triggering your impatience many times isn’t about you. For example, the cash register didn’t break just so that your grocery-buying would take longer, or the train isn’t packed this morning just so that you can’t get a seat.

3. Think with your purpose in mind

Remember the big picture perspective. Sure, it’s irritating that another job interview didn’t land you a new position, but you’re looking for a career move that’s going to help you accomplish your long-term goals. It’d be great if my toddler wouldn’t start pouting whenever she gets served green beans instead of ice cream, but it’s important that she learns what healthy eating means and gets into a routine of eating in that way. Remember why putting up with whatever delay or frustration you’re facing will ultimately help you get where you want to go.

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