‘I’m sorry’ is a term we say a lot. Here’s how to actually apologize.
Stop just saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Here’s how to actually apologize – and mean it.
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We tend to misuse apologies. Whenever someone bumps into me in public, I automatically blurt out a “sorry.” And it is certainly not the only time people misuse the word.
Many of us apologize as a way to avoid conflict, sneak in a justification (sorry, but…) or use it to launch into a shopping list of previous grievances.
Why is apologizing so important?
A sincere apology can go a long way. It doesn’t matter if we hurt someone intentionally or accidently – we have to take responsibility. By owning our mistakes, we have the chance to rebuild trust, validate experiences and heal wounds. But when we refuse to take ownership, we ignore the consequences of our actions and lessen the safety of the relationship, and ultimately, deepen the hurt.
Why is apologizing so hard?
Perhaps Elton John was on to something: Sorry does seem to be the hardest word.
There are many reasons why apologizing can feel difficult and why many of us do it poorly:
- We want to deny the hurt we have caused because it challenges or changes the way we see ourselves.
- We worry that if we take responsibility for one thing, it will result in our having to take responsibility for “everything.”
- We haven’t had a role model who can show us how to apologize or normalize the practice.
- We struggle to overcome our pride.
Some of us struggle to offer sincere apologies, so we make insincere non-apologies.
An apology is not…
- “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “You always take things so personally.”
- “Let’s just forget about it.”
- “I don’t deserve you.”
- “I only said that because of what you did.”
- “I am sorry, but…”
- “I love you.”
- “It’s not my fault you feel…”
A non-apology can also come in the form of an action. Buying a gift, having sex or making dinner – although often appreciated – does not replace a sincere apology.
What makes a true apology?
A true apology is more than a statement. It has to be sincere, vulnerable and intentional.
An apology recipe – if that was a real thing – would look something like:
- Taking responsibility for making a mistake.
- Acknowledging that we have hurt someone.
- Validating their feelings.
- Expressing remorse.
- Being explicit about our desire to make amends.
- Asking what we can do to mend any relationship ruptures.
The recipe wouldn’t end with the words. It would also involve modifying our future behaviors. Change is the final ingredient, it’s what determines the overall taste of the relationship.
Apologies are not a one size fits all. The intensity of the apology will reflect the intensity of the indiscretion.
Example 1: “Sorry! Were you in line? Please go ahead, I’ll wait.”
Example 2: “I am sorry that I forgot to pick up milk on my way home. I know how frustrating it is when I say I will do something and then I don’t. I want you to be able to rely on me. I’ll make sure to do better.” Then, they pick up milk next time they are asked.
Example 3: “I am sorry that I yelled at you. I made a mistake. I had no right to speak to you that way, you didn’t deserve it. I understand why you are upset and I want you to know that I will work hard to regain your trust and respect. Is there anything I can do to make you feel safe again?” And they do not yell at their partner again.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships, and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
